Where the Lost Things Go: Talking About Death With Children
The invitation Halloween offers us adults to play and find joy is, for me, irresistible. This year, as the teacher to 25 first graders, I knew the only thing I could be was Mother Goose! My apron, broom, mobcap, and, of course, stuffed goose are ready.
But Halloween invites us into more than costumes and candy. Other versions of this ancient holiday—Samhain, Dia de los Muertos, All Souls’ Day, and All Saints’ Day—connect directly to deep spiritual themes. Beneath the fun lies an opportunity to help children explore some of the oldest questions we face as human beings: What happens when someone dies? How do we stay connected to those we have lost? And how can remembering the dead help us live more fully?
When we fear death, we limit what we can do in this life. We adults can help children see the end of the physical body as a kind of transformation, even an adventure, and give them ways to stay connected to those who have died. We can do this implicitly, not so much by having a talk about it as through our traditions and stories.
At its heart, this night reminds us that the living and the dead are never far apart. The people with whom we share our lives, along with the ancestors whose lives made ours possible, are woven into us. We can understand this at the physical level of DNA, or in the ways our bodies tend to synchronize with those in close proximity to us through breathing and heart rate.
But we can understand these connections at another level, too. Sometimes we feel a tug of connection to a particular place. We may feel a sense of recognition when exploring our family tree and coming across a particular ancestor. And sometimes we have experiences that seem to bring us close to loved ones who have died.
As a pastor, I’ve heard so many stories of the ties that continue beyond death. Stories of a wild animal or bird that had special meaning to a loved one, showing up repeatedly, or just at the right moment. Stories of dreams in which a loved one shares advice the living needed to hear. Stories of a book showing up that had been lost for decades, with words underlined by the person who was gone, words that spoke directly to the situation at hand.
It’s true that we humans have a deep need to make meaning, to find patterns. I can’t say that these experiences are more than that. But I can say that the majority of people on the planet believe that there is a spiritual dimension through which our loved ones continue to be with us and to help us after they die–and that I think our lives are richer when we embrace this possibility.
We adults can help children build a path that makes this connection possible. The stones that pave it are our love, memory, and gratitude. When we tell stories of those who have died, pass on memories, light candles, look at pictures, make and enjoy their favorite dishes, and express thanks for their lives, we create a link to the spiritual. We also lay a firm foundation on which our children can build their lives, knowing that death does not erase the bonds of love. We are reminded that we all come from somewhere, that we are supported beyond what we can see, and that we are loved beyond measure.
The people we honor may be our physical ancestors or our spiritual ones. Whose life has helped shape the person you are today? Musicians, scientists, humanitarians—anyone’s picture can be on the family altar. The point is to acknowledge the reality that all of us stand on the shoulders of others. Gratitude for this inheritance helps our lives come into focus. We have been given the extraordinary gift of being alive. What might we do with that gift, inspired by the good work of those who came before us?
Remembering those who have died also helps children face another important truth: change and loss are a constant part of being human. Fear of death can lead to a frozen attitude toward life. We can spend our energy living defensively, attacking others before they attack us, or avoiding risk and so failing to live. We can also devote enormous resources to resisting the passage of time, rather than learning to live with the fact that our time here is limited.
If we want children to embrace the glorious possibilities of life, we need to help them find age-appropriate ways to live with the knowledge that life ends, without letting that knowledge keep them from enjoying all the moments we’ve been given.
The answer is to understand death as transformation. As a Christian pastor, I have one way of framing that. If you have a different religious tradition, you will have another. But you don’t need formal religious structure to help your child understand the ways death and life go hand in hand. The patterns of nature reflect this: leaves fall and decay, giving their nutrients to the earth and nourishing new life. Water falls from clouds, soaks into the earth, runs into streams and rivers, flows into the ocean, and eventually evaporates back into the air. All things are part of a cycle. The end of one form of life makes room for another. Noticing these cycles with children and wondering about them is a powerful antidote to fearing death.
Children’s literature offers a wonderful way to explore the idea that life extends beyond the physical body. For tweens, I think first of J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, full of spiritual truths. As Dumbledore explains to Harry, “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” A list of books for different ages that treat death as transformation is below.
But perhaps my favorite example at the moment of a spiritual, non-religious understanding of death comes from the 2018 musical Mary Poppins Returns.
Set in 1930s London during the Great Depression, this sweet film follows an adult Michael Banks, a widower trying to raise his three children on Cherry Tree Lane. Grieving his wife while facing medical debt and imminent home foreclosure, he struggles to connect with his hurting children. Mary Poppins returns to show them all how a new life is possible even in the midst of loss.
In one memorable scene, the three Banks children, John, Annabel, and Georgie, are lying awake in bed, grieving their late mother. When they tell Mary Poppins about all their worries, she sings a lullaby to reassure them that nothing is gone forever. It is all simply waiting “where the lost things go.”
Nothing's really left
Or lost without a trace
Nothing's gone forever
Only out of place.
For when you dream you'll find
All that's lost is found
Maybe on the moon
Or maybe somewhere new
Maybe all you're missing lives inside of you.
May these be the gifts of this October 31: helping our children trust that, even in the mystery of life and death, love outlasts loss, we are never alone, and wonder lies ahead.
Non-Religious Books about Death as Transformation
Picture Books (Kindergarten-Grade 2)
Dance Like a Leaf by A.J. Irving
A young girl spends the fall dancing with her grandmother, who later passes away during the winter. The book focuses on the changing seasons to show that the grandmother's love and traditions continue through the girl.
The Mountains of Tibet by Mordicai Gerstein
A Tibetan woodcutter dies after a long, content life. A gentle force offers him a choice: melt into the universe or be reborn anywhere he likes, treating death as a new choice and adventure.
Waterbugs and Dragonflies by Doris Stickney
A group of waterbugs notices that their friends occasionally climb a lily pad and disappear forever. One bug leaves the pond, transforms into a dragonfly, and discovers a brand new world of flight where he cannot return to the water.
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst
A young boy is upset when his cat, Barney, dies. His father helps him understand that Barney's body will change in the soil, helping the grass and flowers grow.
Note: This book is more matter-of-fact and scientific, which works well for some families.
Read Alouds (Early Grades)
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
A stuffed toy rabbit becomes threadbare and is thrown out to be burned after his young owner becomes ill. Just as his physical toy life ends, a nursery fairy saves him and turns him into a real, living wild rabbit.
Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
Who can ever forget this classic? Clever wordsmith spider Charlotte saves her friend Wilbur the pig and then dies of old age, but stays alive through her friends’ memories and all her children. A bonus: White also lovingly depicts the close bond between children and animals, and how this bond changes as children grow.
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
A classic episodic adventure following the seasonal lives of animal friends Mole, Rat, and Badger along a river. In a famous chapter called "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn,” the animals meet a gentle nature spirit who looks after all wild creatures. The story explains that animals are safely cared for when their time on the river is finished.
Adventure and Plot-Driven Fiction (Middle Grades)
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
A group of children discover and defend the magical kingdom of Narnia. Their many adventures explore death and rebirth as part of the larger story of a life well-lived.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling
An orphan boy attends a magical boarding school and fights a dark wizard. Death is a constant backdrop to the adventure, famously framed by Headmaster Dumbledore as "the next great adventure" rather than something to fear.
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
A young girl stumbles upon a family that drank from a magic spring and can never die. The father uses the image of a wheel to explain why immortality is dangerous, framing mortal death as a gift that keeps life moving forward.
